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Thursday, July 1, 2010

The Faust in me...

Whom should I blame-literature?

Who made me Faust?
Dad disliked the little he in me.
Lovers deserted anticipating one.
I can still laugh writing this:)

Penniless, loveless, family less-the most inexplicable fear of all our lives;
I would say this experience in the month of March was the most terrible of all.

I never wanted to survive.
Y did I, is still a question?

Never had any dream of my own.
Did things appropriate for society.
I appropriated love also.
Never knew what I was becoming?

I never wanted to become one.
Y did I, is still a question?

Thoughtless, speechless, passion less-the most inextricable part of all that jazz;
I would say this experience in the month of July is the most unbearable of all.

I wanted not to want anything, anymore.
Y did I, is still a question?

Success, knowledge or money is meaningless.
All I want is answers to those questions…
Questioning like Faust yet again,
Feels like Faust again:)

a life of no importance


A life of no importance

Dad wrote a speech for my school performance once. It received great acclaim among my English teachers. I couldn’t understand those words as I memorised them and spoke them in a perceived legendary way “look beyond to your self”.

Whatever fame I earned during my school days was just one-fourth mine.And whatever that was, was mostly my confidence. And confidence came from determination. Determination meant rule out the no importance factor in your life. And this was my mother who would guide me on what was that. I still couldn’t comprehend all that. I simply followed her participating in every thing. All I wanted was a pat from my parents on returning home, especially my mother. This gave rise to many other things also other than that very mysterious fervour enjoyed due to being or feeling important.

Was that so much important that I ignored I was friendless at school and also at home? All those who thought were my friends at school were mostly goaded by their parents to endorse my values. Values were not clear to me either. At home, I was not much appreciated by my sisters for I raised the bar for something confusing even for me. Yet I continued.

When I was about to take a leap and set a vocation for myself, I failed to determine looking at my parents who looked deeply calculative and ponderous. My confidence dwindled. I went up to join a modestly fine college where I again made friends. This time not them but their up-bringing pushed them curiously to know me more……..............................................................................

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There’s a whole lot that fills this space. I don’t know how important would that be? Here this morning, as I get up and motivate myself to go for a jog. I think.Does keeping in shape make me feel important? Is that the most satisfying experience? Had anything been the most satisfying ever? Knowledge, fame, looks or even money? I find that nothing but friends. I was lucky that a dozen of people came close to me in the moments of no importance.

These people have trusted me. They have liked something and helped me maintain that reason. Reason was simple that I needed them and somewhere I could become their need. Esha, Pallavi, Garima, Alba, Shweta, Nehal, Meenakshi Thakur, Meenakshi Rathi , Vivek, Vikas, Vickey(Gajju), Naushad, Navdeep,Navneh and Rohit are people of importance in this life of no importance for me. Apart from my family, my students cum friends are another source of perennial energy. I might have skipped a few more names. However as I said I haven’t unfolded whole of it!

Finally I would feel good about being god fearing ;)

Hope you read it and it strikes the same cord in your heart also,may be in a different...Friends are a treasure to be treasured for lifetime:)